ethische non-monogamie / ethical non-monogamy

Posts Tagged ‘polyamory

Beyond Polyamory [United States]

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by Deborah Anapol, Ph.D.

When I first began consciously thinking about non-monogamy in the early 80’s, I thought of my direction as going beyond the limitations of monogamy. I was not alone. An earlier generation of pioneers, inspired by Robert Rimmer and Robert Heinlein had been producing articles, books, and newsletters entitled “Beyond Monogamy” since the early 70’s. One of my first moves was to adopt the term responsible non-monogamy, to differentiate my area of interest from what I regarded as the less noble variations on monogamy. I think all of us on the scene in the mid 90’s heaved a big sigh of relief when the word polyamory caught on and we could liberate ourselves at last from the shadow of monogamy.

Flash forward another decade. After nearly twenty years of slogging around polyamory land, and watching wave after wave of new explorers stumble through the same jungles I have made my way across, I begin to wonder, what’s next? While the freedom to explore polyamory is crucial to both spiritual and cultural evolution, I believe it’s a mistake to view polyamory, however you chose to define it, as the destination.

Love Without Limits [blog] / Psychology Today, 18 juli 2011


Written by lovingmore

juli 21, 2011 at 2:30 pm

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Should I tell my parents about my polyamory? : Post your advice below. The best responses will be published [United Kingdom]

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My husband and I are polyamorous; we are both in multiple sexual relationships. My family (apart from my siblings, who are bemused and fascinated) are unaware of our arrangement. Given that it has been a feature of our relationship from the start, and isn’t going to change any time soon, I would like to tell them. My parents are fundamentalist Christians and will not understand. I want to be honest about the way I live and the people that I love, but I know that telling them will be upsetting, and that they may cut off contact for a while, possibly for ever. My mother will also blame herself, despite the fact that my polyamory is as innate as my bisexuality. Should I bite the bullet, or stay quiet for the sake of family harmony? My husband’s family know about our other relationships, as do some of the families of our other loves.

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The Guardian, 14 juli 2011

Written by lovingmore

juli 18, 2011 at 1:04 am

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Revolutionary romance: A primer for polyamory [Australia]

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We live in a culture that is fanatically invested in monogamy, and does just about everything it can to discourage and punish polyamory. It teaches every one of us from birth that non-monogamy is one of the most horrible things a person can do. For Sadie Ryanne polyamory comes down to the idea that one person can’t, and shouldn’t, be expected to provide for all of our (emotional and sexual) needs. It is also a political identity marking her opposition to compulsory monogamy.

I’ve been thinking about love, and relationships, and what these things mean to me. (This is probably because I’ve become smitten — twitterpated, even! — with a few new people lately, and I’m a bit preoccupied…)

I guess because I’ve been talking a lot about new dates (*cough* like a giddy teenage queen *cough*) and my upcoming wedding, I’ve been having to answer lots of questions about polyamory. Monogamous people just seem to be utterly fascinated (or horrified) by it, and they want to talk to me about it all the time.

One friend recently called me “the most amorous-seeking person” they’ve ever met. I’m a flirty gal, it’s true… But when asked how many relationships I’m in (which happens often), I honestly don’t know how to answer. Three? Five? A dozen?

According to dominant monogamous narratives, “a relationship” is a special kind of dynamic that is easily distinguishable (because it is the only dynamic that is supposed to involve both romance and sex), and it needs to be fiercely defined and defended.

Strict monogamous expectations leave no room for flexibility or fluidity: You are always supposed to be either “not in a relationship” (and thus sexually available) or “in a relationship” (and therefore sexually exclusive).

I find that when most monogamous people try to understand polyamory, they still generalize this basic idea. They understand that I’m not sexually or romantically exclusive, but they still assume that I have multiple “relationships” the way they understand what a relationship is. Thus, when monogamous people ask me “how many relationships are you in?” they expect the answer to be easy.

Well, that just doesn’t apply to my life.

There are people with whom I have extremely deep, loving bonds (even explicit lifetime commitments) that don’t involve sex. On the other end, I might have sex with people for money and not care about them at all.

In the middle, there are people I regularly have sex with and really, deeply enjoy the presence of. I consider them intimate friends, and care about them a lot, but we have very little contact or commitment outside of sex.

And of course, it’s all very flexible: Someone who begins as a sexual partner often ends up as a platonic best friend.

So, how many relationships am I in? Do I count the person who knows me better than almost anyone and who I talk to all the time, whom I used to fuck but don’t anymore? Or what about the lover I fuck but only speak to once a month? Do I count both, or just one — and if just one, which?

Don’t get me wrong… I still spend a lot of time thinking about how to define my relationships. My partners and I spend a lot of energy discussing how to refer to each other, what we want out of our relationship, and so on.

I still get joyously anxious about new crushes when I’m not sure where they will go, I still squeal when someone asks me to be their girlfriend, and I still cry when one of my partners decides that we shouldn’t call each other lovers anymore. It’s not that the labels have no meaning for me.

But instead of assuming that there is only one, monolithic way to define a relationship, I see it much differently: There are just many different dynamics between two or more people (I’m in at least one triad, by the way), and many different words that they might use to describe their relationship to one another.

What poly actually looks like (for me)

Top three questions I receive from monogamous people about polyamory:

Q: Isn’t that cheating?

A: No. Mutually consenting to date or have sex with other people bears no resemblance to lying or breaking promises.

Q: Is that like polygamy?

A: No. Polygamy (meaning “many wives”) is a sexist, patriarchal religious institution in which one man has authority over multiple women. This is nothing at all like polyamory, which is a system in which people of all genders freely negotiate the terms of their relationships with multiple romantic and/or sexual partners.

Q: Don’t you get jealous?

A: No. (Read on if you’re curious…)

The other most common misconception about polyamory is that it just means “having multiple sexual partners.” Close… but, wrong!

The Scavenger, 11 juni 2011

Written by lovingmore

juni 14, 2011 at 12:44 am

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Keeping Marriage Alive with Affairs, Asexuality, Polyamory, and Living Apart [United States]

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by Bella DePaulo, Ph.D.

In my previous post, I introduced you to the first part of Pamela Haag’s provocative new book, Marriage Confidential: The Post-Romantic Age of Workhorse Wives, Royal Children, Undersexed Spouses, and Rebel Couples Who Are Rewriting the Rules. The 21st century, she argues, is a post-romantic age of melancholy marriages. The couples are not acutely stressed nor entangled in constant conflict – they are just melancholy. They signed up for the marriage pact and lost a vital part of themselves in the process.

In that first post, I reviewed some of the problems that Haag diagnosed as plaguing some contemporary marriages. Here, I will go through a few of them and tell you about some of the solutions Haag learned about in her research and interviews. Remember, her goal is not to generate alternatives to marriage but alternatives within marriage that have the potential to keep the marriages together. To longtime readers of Living Single, I bet you will anticipate the conclusion I am leading up to before you get to the end of this post.

Psychology Today, 2 juni 2011

Zie ook:

  • Don’t Want to Divorce? Indulge Your #Polyamory or Asexuality, Have Your Affairs, Live Apart / Bella DePaulo [US; Huffpost Books] http://alturl.com/po7ee

Written by lovingmore

juni 12, 2011 at 8:11 pm

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